Don't Believe the Hype - A Splendour Review [Part 3]

Ben Lee poisoned me.

Woah! I have been waylaid for a week and a half. I got a vicious infectious disease, probably caused by Ben Lee. I think it was he who snuck into my tent at Splendour and infected me with a strain of H5N1, commonly known as Avian Flu. It has prevented me from finishing my Splendour review. My immune system has finally kicked into gear and I have emerged victorious. Now, without further ado....I bring you the final chapter in the trilogy, Splendour in the Grass, Part 3.

Day Three

I wake up with a feeling akin to a hangover. This is strange because I didn’t drink the day before. Perhaps Ben Lee snuck into my tent and poisoned me during the night. Feeling a bit of an outsider at the festival so I decide to attempt to fit in. I don an Australian flag as a cape, a pair of Ray Bans, a wife-beater, and a giant sombrero. Back to the amphitheatre.

I’d never expect to see a boy and bear on stage together, but Splendour is all about surprises and that’s exactly what we get when Boy & Bear emerge on to the main stage. Have you ever seen a full grown bear do a Kirk Hammett-esque guitar solo before throwing himself into a crowd of folk music loving music fans who fail to catch him and result in a horrendous shoulder injury? Well, I now have. This unfortunate event cut short the set. Indeed, boy looks a bit lost without his bear.

What is funny about Cloud Control is that in addition to playing instruments, they're also a group of traveling meteorologists with a social conscious. They play a bunch of songs from their debut record Bliss Release including the hit single “There is Nothing in the Water That We Can’t Fight” which is actually protest song regarding government proposals to put fluoride in our water supplies. A person dressed up as a large tooth complete with cowboy hat joins the band on stage and does some kind of rap, followed by a slow break dance. Presumably this is some sort of public health announcement.


When Cloud Control are not playing festivals, they're predicting weather.

A crowd gathers around the front of stage eagerly awaiting the imminent return of We Are Scientists to Australia. Several men in black roll out laboratory tables and a giant periodic table. Three guys in lab coats emerge sans instruments, instead carrying centrifuges. They perform a number of experiments, including mixing magnesium with oxygen to produce magnesium oxide. It’s all pretty exciting and I felt like I really learned something. Not all agree, going by the amount of beer cans that are thrown at the stage.

Ash used to have a super hot chick in the band. But she left to pursue a solo career. Still they have some great songs like ‘Kung Fu’ and ‘A Life Less Ordinary’. Now they’re getting a bit old and fat and the drummer looks like Adam Spencer. Still their rousing rendition of ‘A Life Less Ordinary’ pleases the gathered crowd of fashion victims from the late 1990s.

The Vines are crap. Someone hurls a wheelchair at Craig Nicholls, which he narrowly avoids. It skittles along the stage floor, crashing into the drumkit, ruining a kick drum on the way. The band regretfully have to finish ‘Highly Evolved’ without drums before trudging off the stage.

Mumford and Sons play to a massive crowd of people who love a second rate Fleet Foxes. However, they do love a good banjo. It seems that Mumford and Sons are only popular here in Australia given that they’ve been here about 50 times in the last 6 months. They are joined on stage by another hack that seems only popular in Australia. Ben Harper comes out to play a twenty-minute banjo solo during 'Little Lion Man', failing to notice the rest of the band packing up 5 minutes into his cameo. Somehow this song segues into a rousing version of 'Mama's Trippin' and I think I saw a guy in dreadlocks get an erection. Ben comes to at the end of the song, realising that everyone has left the main stage and promptly starts crying. It's a touching moment and I feel like I want to kill myself.

Richard Ashcroft is a megalomaniac. He beings with a rendition of the Verve’s ballad ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’ clearly sending a message that his usual dosage of prescription medicines are failing to prevent him overcoming his natural inclination to wankery. Reacting negatively to a few missiles thrown in his direction, Ashcroft hurls himself off the stage into the crowd screaming ‘I’ll take you all on!’, arms flailing like a crazed dervish. Security guards prevent the ‘superstar’ from hurting anyone, demanding he return to the stage. Ashcroft seems perturbed, refusing to perform anymore, stating he’d rather go see the Pixies.

Often, it is puzzling how one song can define one bands career. Empire of the Sun actually only have one song – 'Walking on a Dream' - which sounds like it has been ripped off Boy Meets Girl 80s song ‘Waiting For a Star to Fall’. Luke Steele arrives on the stage dressed as giant flamingo. This costume is so outrageously large, he cannot fit on the stage without some emergency modifications to his costume. They play a 45 minute version of ‘Walking on a Dream’ before leaving to a rapturous applause. They return for an encore, in which they play ‘Walking on a Dream’ once again.


Black Francis has let himself go.

It’s getting late and Pixies are the final band to grace the main Splendour stage.Once the band that was worth a lot of indie street cred, this is the group's second visit to Australia in 2010 since the GFC destroyed their superannuation in 2009. Frank Black sit up behind the rest of the band, Jabba the Hut style, lying back on a throne, playing guitar and eating weird chicken like animals sourced from the depths of Tatoonie. Joey Santiago resembles a reanimated corpse, while Dave Lovering could actually be using a modified version of Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair as his drum kit. Still, they play a bunch of songs that are pretty awesome. However, the best is yet to come.

During ‘Where is My Mind’, spectators are shocked when a drunken Tim Roger’s charges on to stage and tackles Kim Deal, sending her prosthetic leg flying into the crowd. ‘Where is my Mind’ inevitably becomes ‘Where is My Leg?’, and the entire crowd is forced to search amongst the slew of rubbish that has gathered over the past few days for Kim’s missing appendage.

Pixies wind down what has been a thoroughly bizarre three days. I spend 10 hours in traffic on my way back to Brisbane.

Don't Believe the Hype - A Splendour Review [Part 2]

Penfold Krackerbarral continues to bring you the real events that made up 2010's Splendour in the Grass festival. If you missed yesterday's madness, you can read it by clicking here.

SATURDAY
After the awesomeness of yesterday, I wake at the suitable time of 12 noon and roll out of my tent to see that someone has used the side of my tent as a urinal during the night. As the waft of urine makes its way through my nasal passage, I raise my fist to the sky and curse Ben Harper’s name. I know he probably didn’t do it, but still, I feel justified in blaming him. I take a belt of whiskey from my hip flask and set off towards the stages once again.

I wander past the Triple J enclosure. I note the Doctor parading around in a three-piece suit interviewing celebrities. I liked this guy better when he was in Frenzal Rhomb.

McFly are playing a set. An hour long set. Who in the hell invited these pituitary retards to this ‘music’ festival? I note one Rio Lobotomy follows their set, and I pray to almighty Jesus that this is some kind of live brain removal operation on the members of McFly. Failing that, I think I might have to get one if I am forced to sit through a McFly set.

Thankfully, I’m not, and exercising my rational judgement chooses to go see the latest flash in the pan, Two Door Cinema Club. These guys are from Northern Ireland, and when not making music that features a bit too much keyboards, they’re thinking up snazzy band names like the aforementioned ‘Two Door Cinema Club’ or ‘Four Door Electric Hatchback’ or ‘Eight Legged Mechanical Esky’. They play a song called ‘I Can Talk’ which is funny because they cannot sing, nor play instruments. Perhaps that's the only thing they can do?


The Philadelphia Grand Jury take their jobs very seriously.

Philadelphia Grand Jury arrive on the amphitheatre. This time they’ve brought the entire bench of the Philadelphia Supreme Court, and instead of playing their hit songs which are ever so popular, they decide to court-marshal Julia Stone live on stage, charging her with manslaughter over the “accidental” shooting death of Andrew Stockdale from the previous day. She gets off lightly, sentenced to 100 hours of community service and a mandatory “emu parade” at the end of the festival. Philadelphia Grand Jury are harsh…but fair.

Lunchtime again. Today I opt for the Dagwood dog, which only costs me $20 plus my first-born child. I laugh inwardly – don’t those carnie merchants know that Ben Harper’s music has rendered me sterile? The joke is on them.

Tame Impala are here to wow the crowd with their psychedelia. Halfway through ‘Lucidity’, I have a lucid moment combined with an existential crisis Why did I come to this festival? Am I simply dreaming? Why don’t I look more like Leonardo diCaprio? My mind wanders for what seems like 16 weeks but is actually only about 2 seconds. Still, I can’t really remember how the Tame Impala ended. Weird.

Wolfmother had to cancel. Understandable considering their bandleader was killed the previous day. Instead, the organisers opt to put on a Black Sabbath record and everyone seems pleased.

Well, well well. Guess who is next - yup! It's Art V Science. These guys have a song called ‘Parlez Vous Francais’, probably one of the most annoying songs ever created. You can imagine some French band getting huge in France by simply singing a song in English that goes ‘Do You Speak English?”. It sounds pretty stupid to us, doesn’t it?

It always strikes me as humourous asking someone if they speak French…in French…I mean, it just won’t work out if they don’t, will it? Really they should be asking ‘Do you speak just enough French to realise that I’m asking you if you understand what I’m saying?” Anyway, Art V Science finishes with yet again no conclusive evidence as to which discipline has triumphed over the other.


Florence + the Machine want this dog TO DIE!!!

Florence + the Machine is some kind of equation. I do notice bad algebra when I see it – where is the resultant expression? Let me solve it for you. Florence + the Machine = shithouse. They play a song about how the dog’s days are numbered or over or something, which is presumably about euthanizing dogs. Get the RSPCA on the line! Not only are they pro-killing canines, but also they have the audacity to write popular music about it.

Band of Horses are a misnomer. I arrive at the GW McLennan stage expectant to see this group of talented equines, but it turns out that they are actually humans. No horse can be seen anywhere. I’m pretty peeved and find it hard to concentrate. When I pay $500 to see a band of talented horses, I expect a fucking band of horses! At least wear some kind of horse head costume! Even a camel suit like in Jonathan Richman’s 'Egyptian Reggae' clip would have sufficed.

More Camel Needed from Band of Horses

Julian Casablancas has the coolest name in the history of names. His band, the Strokes, play popular garage rock music, the type of music that spawned such awesome groups as Jet. During the middle of ‘New York City Cop’s Julian dives horizontally across the stage, Raiden-from- Mortal-Kombat style, and giving Albert Hammond Jr a fatality. Apparently they haven’t been getting along that well lately. The set ends abruptly and people return to their tents to scratch their heads over the antics they had seen this day.

Come back tomorrow for details of the final day! It will be gangbusters!

Don't Believe the Hype - Splendour in the Grass: A Review?

Hola! I'm Penfold Krackerbarral and I went to Splendour in the Grass. I've packaged together some of my thoughts for Daz's benefit.

Thursday
I arrive at my campsite late on Thursday night and pitch my one-man tent. I’m crammed up against the male toilets next to a group of people who’ve been sitting around drinking beer for most of the day. They’re busy telling each other about how much more superior their musical taste than the average festival punter. I do end up confused because despite such claims, many in this aforementioned group feel compelled to state repeatedly how much they’re looking forward to watching Mumford & Sons the next day. To tell you the truth, I’d prefer watching Garry MacDonald and Ruth Cracknell do a 45 minute enactment of the best of ‘Mother & Son’ on the main Splendour stage than catch the aforementioned winners of the Triple J’s “hottest 100” of 2009. I roll my eyes and return to the safety of my fortress of solitude. I’m a tired mofo.


Mother & Son - far superior to Mumford & Sons

You see, I left Brisbane 12 hours earlier; arrived at the grounds an hour later, then spent 11 hours in a holding queue. I almost died of thirst, but was lucky enough to have enough distilled urine to prolong my feeble existence, a trick I learned from the ever-helpful ‘Man v Wild’ television series.

Friday – Day One

I’m up at the crack of dawn. I’m not missing Jinja Safari for the world. These guys won some competition presided over by Richard Kingsmill, future leader of North Korea. Ironically, despite being the first band on the bill, Jinja Safari is probably the best of the entire festival. It’s a shame that not many people are here to see them.

I stick around to see local grunge band Violent Soho sans Thurston Moore. They have a song about Jesus stealing girlfriends, which is historically inaccurate at least in a literal sense. They pretty much rock the fuck out and rip a few bottoms apart here and there.

British India play a set typical of a band who admire colonialism. Included in the setlist is an anti-Gandhi anthem, another song about bringing civilisation to the savages and a folk-esque tune that looks into the fiscal benefits of exploiting the third world. Actually, all of that might not be true, as I cannot remember any of their set because I fell asleep.

Megan Washington looks like an attractive female Beatle, judging by her haircut. She plays some songs and does a great Abby Dobson impression; everyone is holding hands and slapping each other on the back. ‘Yeah, we’re cool!’

I take a break for lunch, and spend $40 on a hotdog. It cost me $10 for some bbq sauce as well. Good value for money. It’s fortunate that I budgeted $5,000 to attend this festival. Who needs two kidneys anyway?

I return to the GW McLennan tent to catch Midlake. They emerge from stage left dressed as 19th century American puritans, pitchforks in hand. They don’t actually play guitars, instead opting to shovel hay for 45 minutes. Still, their set is more enjoyable than Angus and Julia Stone.

Angus has been getting around in a beard of late, attempting to look like Devendra Banhart. Julia gets in on the act, playing their entire set with a large bushranger-style beard. During ‘Mango Tree’, Julia dons a Ned Kelly style metal helmet, a long brown jacket, completing her outfit with two holstered pistols. Near the end of the set, she leaves her piano and ambles towards the side of stage, firing two shots into celebrity onlookers, mortally wounding Andrew Stockdale from Wolfmother. The crowd rejoices at this development, but joy soon turns to melancholy, as Julia is taken away in shackles.


Police sketch artist depiction of a murderous Julia Stone approaching Andrew Stockdale

One of two horse themed bands here at Splendour, Foals attempt to engage the crowd by catapulting a horse carcass into the mosh pit. Screams of joy turn to screams of agony as a 900-pound horse crushes several Foals fans. This naturally puts a dampener on proceedings and the usually upbeat ‘Spanish Sahara’ takes on more somber tones.

The Temper Trap hit the main stage to play a bunch of songs they stole from U2 and now pass off as their own. Still, the crowd gathered round the main stages are excited. ‘Sweet Disposition’ goes down as expected, with the surprise appearance of the Edge, who parachutes from 20,000 feet and lands directly on to the main stage in order to operate guitarist Lorenzo Sillitto’s digital delay pedal.

It’s getting dark now and that means the vampires are out. Worryingly, I note several blood-drained corpses left willy-nilly in the mandatory festival recycle bins. I shake my head with a sense of disappointment: you can’t recycle that!


Bears are usually a OH&S nightmare, particularly at large Australian music festivals.

Grizzly Bear played a great set, mostly comprising of their work from 2009’s acclaimed record Veckatimist. To heighten audience suspense, the group let loose several untamed grizzlies, brought with them all the way from Alaska. Much like the Foals debacle earlier in the day, things don't go to plan, with several punters being mauled throughout the duration of the set. Lucky St. John’s Ambulance was on hand to issue band-aids and re-attach limbs. The set ends with a cracking version of ‘While You Wait for the Others’.

Ben Harper & the Restless 7 close out day one proceedings. You know what? I can hazard a guess as to why the Restless 7 are restless. It could be because they’re beginning to realise how crap it is being in a band with Ben Harper. I stay for about 10 minutes before wandering off to find some thalidomide. I must purge these memories.

Day one comes to a conclusion and I feel fortunate to be alive.

[To be continued]

So....How Was Splendour?

So I think everyone in Australia, except me, attended Splendour over the weekend. It was actually quite pleasant to walk the streets of Brisbane, 28 Days Later style - not a soul was around.

So does anyone have any good stories / thoughts / one line reviews? How many local bands did you get to see? Did anyone punch Ben Harper in the face for me?

A good pal of mind, Penfold Krackerbarral, was lucky enough to attend the festival and he has promised to post a detailed review of the proceedings. Look out for part one sometime later today.

The Frustration With Splendour: Sideshows and Alcohol-Free Camping

Yes, we all are crying into our pillows because we all missed out on Splendour in the Grass tickets. Did all the ‘true’ music fans miss out or did they all simply dodge a bullet? You may recall my first effort in the wake of missing out on tickets to the festival in which I fruitlessly blamed a website for my misfortune. Well, here is my second tourney at beating the living crap out of a dead horse.

Regardless of how the splendour debacle played out for you, the fact remains that some very capable artists will be docking at our shores at the end of July. A few of them will engage in the sideshow extravaganza that Splendour organisers have helped promote. While this happens every year, one may speculate that promoting the sideshows is even more important considering the ebb tides of bleeding hearts that washed up dead on the shores of the moshtix website. A cursory glance at tweeted headlines promoting ‘sideshows galore’ prompts heart palpitations. After all, Grizzly Bear, Surfer Blood and Broken Social Scene don’t often make the journey to Australia on a regular basis. However, on closer examination of the various press releases floating around the interwebs reveals a not so subtle sucker punch, one that comes with a message that reads ‘$%!^ YOU BRISBANE’*.

Ok, so we’re not “New York of the Southern Hemisphere” Sydney or “Art and Cultural Centre of New Holland” Melbourne, but you know, we’re sad that we’re not considered important enough to warrant even a drop by for a quick visit before or after the greatest camping festival in prohibition history occurs.

Well, I’m annoyed and empowered by the fact that I have this blogging platform in which to complain loudly. I feel for the many locals who missed out on tickets to the festival due to the demand, but I feel even more royally screwed by the fact that seemingly none of these great international bands are playing anywhere near Brisbane. Unless you’re wealthy enough to spend as much as the cost of one Splendour camping ticket to travel to Sydney or Melbourne, you’ve got zip all chance of seeing the likes of Grizzly Bear come July.

Now, I’m going to engage in some reasoned speculation. While I'm aware that this has not always been the case, it seems that come Splendour and Big Day Out times, many bands curiously skip Brisbane. While geographically, Brisbane is close to both Byron, Woodford and Big Day Out, I often feel frustrated that this assumption seems to inform decisions not to play Brisbane, particularly when such festivals sell out in nanoseconds.

In the case of Splendour in the Grass, one suspects that the contracts between the festival organisers and the individual artists may contain contract terms stipulating that certain bands cannot play Brisbane. Naturally, such a clause would make sense in some situations, particularly to smaller more regional music festivals. You don’t want pesky sideshows in major cities luring your market away. But in the age of Splendour such a clause seems ridiculous since a) it sells out every year and b) many people attending splendour come from all over the country.

So why are there no shows scheduled for Brisbane? If the above speculation is incorrect, and barring band’s having touring commitments which prevent sideshows (hard to swallow considering that no band has Brisbane down as a date), what is the real reason? My point is here that any contractual arrangement that renders the chance of Brisbane sideshows during festival seasons seems very harsh considering the fact that these festivals sell out so quickly.

While I’m on the Splendour bashing parade, I might as well mention my other grievance. A multi-day camping festival in this day and age where punters are not trusted enough to be allowed to bring alcohol into the campsite? Are you having a laugh? This is outrageous.

I don’t condone extreme binge drinking but I suspect other motivations lie at the heart of such a decision. Key question at the Splendour Annual Board meeting on how we can make more money out of people who have already spent $450 to attend a music festival?**

I know! Ban alcohol and charge overinflated prices for a paper cup of midstrength.

Give that wo/man a promotion.

As far as I’m aware, such issues have slipped under the radar. We should be thankful that the Splendour organisers have arranged to bring a significant international line-up, complemented with capable local talent, to Australia. But, as consumers, I think we’re entitled to be upset at the way the organisation of the event has played out (c’mon, ballot system anyone?). I know I am. Now excuse me as I return to writing an essay on mediation and conflict resolution.

If you haven't got your fill, check out another interesting article on the subject by Marieke Hardy on the ABC website.


* Two things. Firstly, in making such a statement, I have to apologise to the wealth of regions that never get to see international bands. It seems a bit petulant for me to make such complaints considering Brisbane generally gets to see more international acts than say Hobart or Darwin and probably Adelaide or Perth. Secondly, I cannot confirm there are absolutely no sideshows for Brisbane, however looking at various websites including Triple J and the Splendour website, at this stage, there seems to be no gigs scheduled for Brisbane by any international band who is gracing the stages at Woodfordia.

** Glastonbury Festival in the UK cost around $300 Australian dollars and permits people to bring their own food and drink into the festival grounds.

Splendour, My Ass

Sweet bleeding Jesus. What a frustrating morning. Like about a billion other people, I attempted to buy Splendour in the Grass camping tickets from moshtix this morning. Despite getting to work early, logging into the site around 8am, from 8.30am onward I experienced constant drop outs. I’m jealous of the people that actually got to the ‘buy tickets’ screen – cause I never even got that far. Several times I got to about position 1,000 in the queue before receiving a server time out and booted back to the end of the queue. The above graphic was the screen I got greeted with time after time after time.

This is the first time I’ve attempted to buy Splendour tickets since about 2005. I think it’s the nail in the coffin for me. I don’t care about the line-up anymore, the whole setup is rancid. I realise that lots of people want to go, and systems are under great stress, but why are these problems consistent. It’s not exactly like the massive server load was unexpected? I’m annoyed that the queuing system seems fundamentally flawed. No wonder the moshtix facebook ‘fan’ page is filled with streams of abuse (though, I note strangely enough a lot of the abuse is 'disappearing') (*edit* they won't be able to sensor the Courier Mail's comment section though).



From now on, I'm sticking with worthwhile festivals like Golden Plains.

Phoenix Confirm Tour in Australia and in the Process Really Piss Me Off

You know what really irks me?

A great international band that tours Australia infrequently and only plays in Sydney and Melbourne.

This is exactly what looks to be happening with the upcoming Phoenix tour, a band set to release their fourth album this month.

I note that dates for Sydney and Melbourne appear on their website, but no dates for any other Australian cities. The tour coincides with the Splendour in the Grass festival and one could probably say that Phoenix will play this festival.

The only problem is - Splendour in the Grass tickets are notoriously difficult to get a hold of and means that in order to see one particular band, the individual must instead pay to see half a dozen mediocre ones as well.

Lets hope this doesn't occur, and Phoenix do indeed announce a Brisbane show.

I'll be first in line to get a ticket then!

The Ideal Splendour Line-up

As you may know, Splendour in the Grass 2009 line-up was announced today. Again, I’m fairly disappointed. Not that I can go anyway, since I’ll be boarding in New Zealand the dates that it is on. I can only see few bands I’d be interested in watching – Decoder Ring, The Flaming Lips and Friendly Fires (who I saw last year at Glastonbury and were awesome).

My tastes are definitely changing. I cannot say that Splendour is no longer the festival it what it was once upon a time. I think festivals like Merideth and Golden Plains are far superior, I think. Most probably due to the laid back attitude and the relative absence of complete wankers.

I’ve been to a few Splendours and I don’t think any will top the year Brian Wilson played. That was indeed super awesome.
Got me thinking, what would be my ideal festival line-up. Not an original idea for a blog post, but at least it is a fun one. Here’s what I’d have (assume for a second that the band is capable of getting back together is not currently active).

International Acts

GUIDED BY VOICES, THE MAGNETIC FIELDS, BELLE & SEBASTIAN, WILCO, THE FRAMES, DEERHUNTER, AT THE DRIVE IN, PORTISHEAD, CARIBOU, THE SHINS, PIXIES, BECK, NEKO CASE, JENS LEKMAN, SPOON, BORIS, TEENAGE FANCLUB, OF MONTREAL, PHOENIX, NADA SURF

Attempted to mix it up a bit there, unfortunately I don’t particularly like hip hop or dance music – if I was forced to add something from those genres I’d elect to have BEASTIE BOYS, JURASSIC 5, THE PRODIGY, MASSIVE ATTACK, THE RADIO DEPT.

As for Australian acts…. (this is a bit harder nowadays, I feel myself a bit too disconnected with Australian music at the moment, I get the feeling that falling behind what is coming out of the States/UK)

HUNGRY KIDS OF HUNGARY, DECODER RING, SCREAMFEEDER, REGURGIGTATOR, THE EXPLODERS, PHILADEPHIA GRAND JURY (man, these guys are fun), THE DRONES, EDDIE CURRENT SUPPRESSION RING, CLOUD CONTROL, THE ZEBRAS.

I’ll probably think of a whole lot more the fact, but in the meantime feel free to suggest some!